


LDN, 10-04-19

by alittlefrenchtree



Series: The Sun Also Collapses [2]
Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: God I hate tagging, HELLO AMBIGUITY, but considering their background in this universe, if you know me you know what I'm going to say, well it's not really about that here anyway, when are they not anyway ?, you know they are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:42:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23233435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlefrenchtree/pseuds/alittlefrenchtree
Summary: It's after the London Premiere of The King and Timmy is doing a little bit of self-reflection.--This story part of the The Sun Also Collapses Universe but you don’t have to read it to understand this one. TSAC is a little bit heavier than this part and maybe not for everyone right now. It is set during the BB shooting and would only give you a little bit more context about Timmy’s past and his relationship with Armie.
Relationships: Timothée Chalamet/Armie Hammer
Series: The Sun Also Collapses [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1670446
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	LDN, 10-04-19

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this thing a few days after the London premiere of The King. It was mostly for myself, because I was frustrated for Tim and Armie who had planned walking on that red carpet together and couldn’t. I was a little bit difficult for me to shake the feeling off, so I wrote it instead (as I always do).
> 
> I wasn’t really happy with the first version of it so I delayed the moment of sharing it and then I got caught up in the story of someone named Eliott and couldn’t focused on anything else. Now that I’m back, I thought it was a good idea to start by working on something that was easier, because it was kind of already there and I like the new version enough to post it today.
> 
> It’s part of the The Sun Also Collapses Universe but you don’t have to read it to understand this one. TSAC is a little bit heavier than this part and maybe not for everyone right now. It set during the BB shooting and would only give you a little bit more context about Timmy’s past and his relationship with Armie. 
> 
> Thanks Lou for proofreading my work and for trying to teach me how to conjugate my verbs in English (and in French) 😂❤️

**10-04-19 — 3:33 a.m.**

**Armie,**

**I hope you don’t mind me addressing a few pages of my journal to you. Maybe I’ll even rip these pages off and leave them for you — like on your pillow or something.**

**I missed you tonight. For real. I know I already said it, and I’m sorry I’ve been a little harsh on you when you said you couldn’t make it. But you can’t imagine how many times I thought of us walking that red carpet together. Getting out of the car we would have shared for a quick ride, but it would have been ours anyway. _Armie and Timmy’s car is here_ for old times sake. Being us in front of their million eyes watching, expecting, wondering. I thought and dreamed about all of it so accurately I feel like I’ve been robbed of my own memories. Not the ones that could have happened and never did, but the ones that did and somehow were stolen from me. I know they exist somewhere but the tip of my tongue is empty of their taste and I can only see their ghosts. The only thing I can do now is hold onto our old memories, the one I put aside and only allow myself to look at every once in a while, to be able to enjoy the moments I have to do the same with others, others who aren’t you, and also because I’m too afraid to let them out. I don’t want to see their colors fade. I don’t want to wake up one day and realize I can’t feel your comforting warmth by my side, your voice whispering nonsense in my ear only to make me laugh, the soft touch of your hand on my waist… Have I already mentioned that I missed you? Because I did. I do, every day actually.**

**You know my outfit tonight was for you? I think Virgil joked about it somewhere, saying I was the easiest person to dress or something. That’s because I texted him only one time about what I wanted for tonight, right after we agreed on you being my plus one. I wrote : « Can you make me something shiny for London? » and he asked : « that’s all? » and I replied « yes » and that was it. I wanted to shine for you, Armie. Because you asked me to.**

**You probably don’t remember, but you did. At the Oscars.**

**Or maybe you do remember because that gif has been everywhere.**

**I’ve learned three things that night. Well — maybe more than three, but three I've been carrying every day with me ever since.**

**First, you are the dearest friend that I could make in this industry and probably ever will.**

**After the year of promo, after all the times you had presented me for awards, after not being even a nominee for that best supporting award you rightfully deserved, you were still happy for me. You were once again taking a step back, hiding in the shadows to let me shine under the dazzling light. I already knew back then co-stars rarely become close friends in real life. Never in those circumstances. And yet you were still there. Still by my side, still supporting me, still asking me to take the praise for you when no one realized I was only able to shine because you were there. Thanks to your light blinding my darkness away.**

**I may be the only one who truly knows this, because I’m the only one who knows everything that happened with you and _to_ you behind cameras, but I know you deserved to be on that list just as much as I did. Probably even more. **

**And you stayed after. Even if you were sick and dying on your feet from exhaustion, you stayed. I was on the edge of collapsing again and you were the only reason I didn’t. Keeping me whole. Picking up the crumbling pieces, and the ones I was trying to throw away, showing me how to love them again. How to love _me_ again.**

**That night I also knew I had screwed up. I didn’t know exactly how, I didn’t know when, but it had to be me. It had to, right? I mean, how many times had we joked about the insane amount of stars that were aligned for this movie? Everything was fucking perfect. And yet I didn’t win. I was holding all the cards — like every fucking single one of them and I didn’t win. That night, I wasted the opportunity of a life time. Something that happens once and then never again.**

**Who am I to dare expect another chance? To hope for it and say _yeah I wasted the first one so give me another. And one more after that because I’m presumptuous enough to think I’m so talented I deserve everyfuckingthing_. When, in reality, I’m just that poor guy who has peaked at 20 and stumbled on the second step on the podium. After that, there were only shams, resemblances that don’t feel as right, a parade of almosts that don’t feel as good. I felt like I was doomed. Some days, it still feels like I am. Because that night, I became an Oscar nominee forever. And I knew I’d never be more than that. It didn’t stop me from keep trying, like during Beautiful Boy. I hadn’t got a nomination yet and I was already willing to starve myself to death, to put my life in danger to get myself there. Can you imagine what I could do now that all my previous attempts have failed? That scares me. I’m fucking scared because I don’t know if I can trust myself to know how to stop scratching that hitch, to stop hunting that unreachable desire that is nothing but a bottomless pit.**

**The third thing… I actually learned about the third thing recently, with my therapist. Talking about what has been happening in my life for the past months, we realized we kept circling back to the Oscars night. What would have been different if I had won? That’s the question I’ve been asking myself more and more often lately. And I think the answer is a fucking lot.**

**The more people were telling me it was all about politics and I shouldn’t think to much about winning or the fact that I didn’t, the less I could keep myself from thinking that if it’s political, I can’t win their game unless I _play_ the fucking game _._ Being on the inside isn’t enough to take the whole system down. What if I lose everything? I can lose acting, Armie. You know I can’t. You know it's the one thing I can’t lose. Acting, and you. I need to be on top of their stupid pyramid so they can’t get rid of me anymore. I need to be irreplaceable. I’m just not sure how to do that anymore.**

**God I’m rambling way too much. Sorry. The high of the premiere is still running. I can feel it. It’s pulsing into the quiet of my room and the sound is both addicting and frightening. You still aren’t here to calm my nerves so I’m doing whatever I can on my own. Which is writing non-sense and self-centred reflections like the egocentric actor I am now, apparently.**

**I guess what I’m trying to say it’s… it’s all for you. That night, you asked me to shine and I failed. Every day since then I’ve been trying to honor what you wanted for me. To live up to the person you see when you’re looking at me. And I wanted you to see that tonight. How things have changed since the last time we did that together. I wanted you to see all the people, to feel their screams make the hair on the back on your neck stand up and their applause give you chills when they’re the ones standing on their two feet, clapping through all the credits and behind.**

**I wanted you to see that I made it, that I’m shining brighter than everyone else.**

**— 7:18 p.m.**

**I learned what they did. Did you know?? Of course you knew. Why didn’t you tell me? I hate them so much. I’m gonna… I don’t know what, but I’m doing to do _something_. I hate them. I hate everything so much.**

_I’m sorry, Timmy. I…_ suspected _it was going to happen. Or something like that anyway. I didn’t think it was worth telling you because I didn’t want you to be mad at them, even if that meant you were going to be mad at me. I know you don’t hate them. It was easier this way. I thought it was._

… _you didn’t have to do that for me, you know? But I look forward for it._

_I missed you too._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm @alittlefrenchtree on tumblr :)


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